I wish i'd stop trying to push away the people that make me happy. Certain people give so much of themselves to me and I am distrusting. Why can't I believe them? Is it because I feel like I could leave it all behind... How could they be so naive to love me so deeply? I think I love them too but i'm scared to get close to someone again. I can't make sense of it. I can't seem to find a place inside my head where I can be happy with what they've given me. I always turn out wanting them more and more. Thoughts I have in these dreary evenings are of longing for something deeper. Is it even possible? When I rationalise about my feelings it helps only briefly and then the cycle repeats. I'm confused at myself and what I am given.

I've been listening to this draft for an hour now. My creativity has been blocked for months now. I struggle to experiment with music anymore. I'm scared of what people think these days. I need to calm down. I hope you like it a little bit.

It's the day after and I feel whole again. Those I love held me last night and I felt reassured. I have issues with overthinking and doubting myself