Abstracts version tells a story, of maybe a life, starts off as a little child, makes friends, lives through school and makes friends forever, finds a wife, gets a great job, and then gets old. reaching the end of his life, he passes away peacefully, with friends and family surrounding him, loved ones.
your version tells the story of a sweaty obese gaylord who's pumping weight to be a skinny bitch who listens to nyan cat all day.
great job, 10/10, yours is much better than ab's. ;-)
You've got some cool stuff going on here. Keep in mind that chords that have a lot of forward tension like this get stale really easily. You shouldn't try sticking to the same 4 chords with the same 4 voicings, because it you do, it confuses the listener. If your chords say, "Hey, listen to this, we're going somewhere with this!" and you go nowhere, it feels off.