before the energy picks up around 40 seconds, i think your vox need to be less hype. go breathier, use cues from the rhythm to ebb and flow how full each word should sound. and i think your pronunciation is a little too precise that it lacks the gentle quality of the original.
i think you could experiment with tempo too; the original is like 130 bpm whereas yours starts off at like 170. i'd start slow and pick up the pace where you want the most energy to be