just a tip. but it's kind of personal preference i guess. i like that this is based on an energetic build-up which gets 'almost there' but then fizzles away without fully feeling resolved. it's something i like a lot in music, and im thinking it would maybe be more effective if you didn't play that root note (c#) at the end there. then, the cadence wouldn't be complete and the sort of "there's more to come" mood would be a lot stronger.
Here we are,
A race of starmen without stars.
Moon's rotations, apathetic,
Eclipsing wars.
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